Thinking of you, as always. The first days without you have now turned into weeks, months, then years. To say it has gotten easier would be a lie. It has only gotten to be more unreal, unbelievable.

I never posted the sentence above. Now it's December 28, coming up on 5 years without seeing you, touching you, hearing you, being with you. And it's still so unbelievable that you left before me.

"He's With Me"

I had always heard people say, "God spoke to me" all the time. Something that had never happened to me so, of course, I was skeptical.  Until one day, about 5 weeks after Colton's wreck, I was praying so desperately, sobbing uncontrollably, unconsolable, after a bit I was exhausted and quit praying and listened. Then I heard a voice I knew instinctively was Jesus' say, "He's with me."  His voice was just as clear as if he was in the same room with me.  And He was. The Creator of all there is spoke to me to give me peace. He told me Himself that my son was with Him! Jesus was standing there with His arms open and I walked into them. It was the most real feeling I have ever had.  While this was all happening I realized I had never felt "worthy" enough to expect that He would ever actually talk to me like He did others.  It took this tragedy, it took me giving up all control because I had none, the world felt as it if was off its axis, everything was wrong. It took this blind, desperate need to KNOW what was going on with my son in order for me to get to that point.  Because He knew what I was thinking He said, "You are worthy."  Then after holding me with the strongest, most comforting pure kind of hug, I thought He moved away and I was on my knees.  But, He said, "You moved away from me."  Which was true. I had backed away from Him and dropped on my knees! Which is what I always have done.  He never leaves me, has NEVER left me.  I always left Him.  Never again, I am worthy.